she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
