Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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