im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
