so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
