halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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