the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
