my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
