Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
