I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
