im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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