That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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