you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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