I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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