My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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