she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Brb crying the tears of my youth
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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