My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
