I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Drake has all the answers
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
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