I wish I only lived at night.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
