pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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