I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You need Xanax blowdarts
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
