I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
