He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
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i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
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I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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