My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
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