remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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