You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
