she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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