so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
