i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize