i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
