I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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