I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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