I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
