I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
