I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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