I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize