Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
God I need to hump something, right now.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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