I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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