Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
