I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
