I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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