he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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