Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
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I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
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I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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