I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
