You just made me feel so damn special
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
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My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
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You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize