I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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