I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
