How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
