I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
