If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
