I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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