i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
