No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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