Pappa wants mamma naked
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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