You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
