My Higher Power is John Stamos
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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