My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
