I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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